Just before a Black Friday sale is about to start at a suburban Chicago Wal-Mart, the power goes out, sending consumers into a frenzy as they try to break into the store while one man (who never wanted to be there) tries to become the voice of reason.
On the night of her big Hollywood movie premiere, it is revealed that up and coming actress Hester Prynne has given birth to a baby girl named Pearl. As her legendarily kind director Arthur Dimmesdale tries to find out who the father is, her legendarily nefarious producer Roger Chillingworth tries to protect his film... and more...
(For those who have read the original version of the script, this rewrite came in 4 pages leaner, but I added a completely new first act and made numerous other changes.) 22-year-old UCLA student Aron Sykes decides to send out a YouTube video one night, asking the biggest celebrity in the world, Janey Richman, to have sex with him. Surprisingly, after a horrible night, Janey agrees to this proposition, with one condition: he can't tell anyone about it. Ever.
In an effort to cut massive costs and "get green," the government shuts down the United States Postal Service, leaving thousands of dedicated employees out of work. One of them is Bob Stinson, who, after nearly killing one of his "replacements," teams up with another former USPS worker on a cross-country rampage from Missouri to Washington D.C. As their strange movement grows in popularity, they learn the truth about what is really behind this initiative.
A downtrodden alcoholic learns that his drinking and smoking have actually been keeping his possession by The Devil at bay. After suffering from a heart attack, he learns The Devil has tasked him with finishing the job first given to his father: to kill the Pope.